Thursday, December 19, 2013

We are called to be BOLD.

Wow what a few crazy weeks it has been! Jacob & I have been all over trying to cram as much Christmas as we can into the two weeks I was home. We spent some wonderful, beautiful, COLD, crazy days in New York City then went to Dallas for a few days to spend some amazing, much needed time with my family. 

So something has been weighing so heavily on my heart and it was honestly a post by Erin at Living in Yellow that inspired me to open up a little bit. She is so brave and such a rockstar for being so transparent about her struggles and I'm attempting to emulate her courage!

So here are my 10 truths - 

1. Working offshore is HARD. 
95% of people in this world will never understand what it's like to work offshore. Missing Christmas mornings, Thanksgiving dinners, birthday's, anniversaries...and so much more. The food is bad, water makes my hair/skin look roughh, and I guess all that dirt/grease isn't too good for my skin either. I can't count the amount of times people have looked at me and said you work offshore?? I knew I would be an anomaly when I joined this lovely oil patch with blonde hair & blue eyes but I could've never foreseen the challenges that we've faced. The days (or for me - working nights) are so long, lonely & being out here for 14 days is just about enough to make someone go crazy. I came offshore 1 month after Jacob & I got married and I thought the 14 on/14 off would keep the newlywed thing alive but it has put so much stress on us and I'm counting down the days until I can fall asleep next to him every night instead of in a twin bunk by myself.

2. Reading other blogs makes me feel insanely UNDERWHELMED by my life. 
Glamourous outfits, shoes, parties, events...how can one keep up?? When I first started blogging, that was the life I envisioned for myself. Wow was I let down! Then I started feeling so self conscious of the things going on in my life, rather than being grateful...which in turn is a vicious circle. I didn't want to post things about our life because I thought how could we ever compare to the insane blogs I was following? 

3. I'm AWFUL about comparing myself to others. *Keeping up with the Jones' much?*
This sort of goes hand in hand with #2. I started religiously following (possibly even stalking) these blogs making list upon list of all the clothes/purses/shoes that I had to have also. Then trying to keep up, my wallet & morals were becoming shallower and shallower. I stopped shopping for things I thought were pretty & instead for things that other blogs told me were pretty. Then I realized I was comparing myself to EVERYONE around me! Friends, family, coworkers! Craziness. What a state of discontent to constantly be in.


4. My prayers could use some work. 
Our God is an awesome God. And for some reason, He continues to bless Jacob & I even though I'm not nearly grateful enough. My prayers are always me, me, me - how can He help me? Not what can I do to be His light in the world. But my constant doubt truly believes that if I don't ask God for all the things I'm worried about or are on my heart that they won't happen or that He will "forget". That amount of doubt is embarrassing. Why don't I trust in the plan that God has for us and that he will give me everything and more to live out the wonderful plan he has for me? 


5. Every day I close my eyes and wonder, what am I doing here?
This definitely goes back to #1. I took this job in hopes of crazy adventures that I could take back to my petroleum friends and brag brag braggggg. However, jokes definitely on me because now I envy all my friends who decided to get a degree in something fulfilling like teaching or nursing or ANYTHING not for money. This is something that is a daily struggle, I've considered leaving my job for some non-profit, truly fulfilling, life altering career. However, every two weeks I come back to this iron island. It's the epitome of a love/hate relationship. 

6. I'm envious of super fit women. 
Yetttttttt I do NOTHING about the state of my body/health. I'm afraid of the pain that come with getting insanely fit. I make stupid excuses everyday for why I don't want/need to be fit...but every time I go into a dressing room I have a fit and end up feeling awful about my body. It's the classic poor pitiful me, yet I haven't made any substantial changes in my life...other than buying just about every diet/workout fad out there!

7. I have a fancy, smarter than me Canon Rebel & have no clue how to use it. 
I'm dying to learn how to use my camera, but refuse to take the time/have the patience to learn. I even took it to NYC and came home with no breath-taking photos! If I can't take a stop you in your tracks picture in New York, I should probably give up now! But not really because I love being behind the lens and capturing moments...going to work on this in 2014. 

8. Far too often I take Jacob for granted. 
This truth breaks my heart the most. He is kind, supportive, understanding and strong. Oh my gosh he is so strong. Yet, most days I seem to consistently notice his faults. He hates that I work offshore, and he reminds me...often. I used to think he hated it because "girls aren't supposed to work offshore". And then I realized he hates it because he is a huge hearted man who just wants love...all the time. And why do I hold that against him?? I should be so thankful that my husband hates being away from me! Looking back, he has handled this situation better than I could have ever imagined and added to my prayer list is that I can continue to recognize the amazing man he is & how grateful I am for his strength that I probably will never know the depths of. 

9. I crave meaningful, love you no matter what friendships. 
Don't we all?? I'm so tired of pretty friendships...because lets face is - those aren't real. I miss the college friendships of come over with a bottle of wine, in your pj's and let's catch up, laugh, cry, be ourselves. That is the worst about growing up. Your friendships change, now you have to plan dates & dinners and nothing seems quite as comfortable. I'm reading Shauna Niequist's Bread & Wine & wow do I crave a group of women like this in my life. I have a special feeling they are right under my nose in Covington, I just need to open my eyes...and pray about how to let my guard down to having these sorts of relationships. 

10. I have HUGE, spectacular dreams for 2014...that I will most likely let fall through the cracks. 
My dreams for 2014 truly know no bounds! Trips, blog plans, work plans, fitness plans, growing with God plans...the list goes on & on of my resolutions! However, I already feel overwhelmed by all my plans and don't seem to know what to do about it! People always say, make small, attainable goals for yourself and here I am thinking - make HUGE outrageous goals for yourself because then when you reach them it will be that much more rewarding! However...that plan has not worked for hmmm 24 years so I should probably consider a new plan of action!

As I'm proofreading this post, I feel like it sounds so so ungrateful. Let me be clear, I am so thankful & blessed and I realize how fortunate we are. This post was not about venting, it was about honesty. These are all sides of me that I'm afraid to share and insecurities that I have about our life. The Bible says we are called to be bold, so here it is - me being bold. And wow is it freeing!



I have to send a huge shout-out to lovely Erin for inspiring me to post this, I can feel a huge weight off my shoulders and can feel my blog taking a huge turn for the better. 

Until next time, 

xoxo 
Amanda 
 

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